It's quite crazy to think about. It has now been an entire year since I have worked at a job for a hourly wage or commission.
I remember how, when I was living in that world, I was terrified of living off of support. In fact, that was pretty much the one thing that kept holding me back. I mean, what isn't there to love about the missions life? I work with people every day who are hoping to get closer to Jesus, and I can help them do that. I invest energy into things that I feel are worthwhile and have eternal value. I get to do something meaningful with my life. I get to live and work with my family. Really, the only bad thing about it is the pay.
I mean, its not like I haven't experienced it both ways. I lived for a year in missions before, and let me tell you, I did not enjoy any aspect of the financial situation. I felt like I was always scraping, always one step away from financial crisis, and always having to bite the bullet and not do the things I wanted to because there was no money.
On the other hand, I have lived the life of providing for myself. Honestly, I can tell you that it was much harder. I worked 60 hour weeks, had an intensely stressful job, was always worried or angry or uptight about something, and couldn't think about anything but money. That was no way to live, either, but at least there was an element of control to it. Everything else may be falling apart, but at least I knew what my paycheck was going to be every two weeks.
So I was living like a fool, clutching onto a sinking ship because I was afraid of walking on water. In my head I came to view returning to missions as jumping off a cliff. I knew it would be adventurous and exciting, but I wasn't quite sure where the bottom was or if anyone was going to catch me or not.
And of course, the list of excuses was a mile long. I had debt I had to pay off first, right? I couldn't expect to go into missions when I had debt hanging over my head. And what about insurance? Was it "responsible" of me to go gallivanting around the world when I couldn't afford insurance for my family? I couldn't expect other people to shoulder my "responsibilities," could I? My South African friend claims that this is cultural, that we Westerners put a high value on independence.
But God, thankfully, is one persistent Dude. Despite my fears and excuses, he called me to take the leap and see how far we could fly.
So we did.
And let me tell you, it has been worth it. The first part of the year was a real struggle with God. I was always telling him how much I didn't like how our finances were, and he was always telling me no to worry about it.
Me: "What about our credit card bills? We can't pay them again this month?"
God: "Don't worry about it, just trust me."
Me: "Sure, we have enough for groceries this week, but what about next week?"
God: "Don't worry about it. Trust me."
Me: "What about..."
God: "Don't worry about it!"
It took some time, but it finally began to sink in that when God says not to worry, he really means not to worry. He doesn't mean "Let it consume every waking thought but just don't talk about it." He means "Act like it's not even a problem in the first place." This is so, SO hard for me to do. Honestly, it feels like it goes against churchianity teaching. Shouldn't I be a responsible, productive member of society? Isn't my "witness" more important. How does it look if someone who claims he is following God can't even pay his own bills?
But apparently, God is pretty secure in himself. He's not nearly as worried about my witness as he is about my character. And what he wanted to cause in me is a lack of worry. An utter carelessness about my credit rating, my debt-to-income ratio, or even my next paycheck. I guess being care-free is more important to him than any of those other things.
So I gave in. I jumped off the edge in my heart this time, and made a decision that I was simply not going to care what people thought of me, what creditors said to me, or how much money I had. I was simply going to listen to God and do what he told me.
You know what? God hasn't faltered yet. Just last month we paid off the last of our credit cards - something that should have taken us at least 6 years of working and saving and scrimping. We were forgiven of amazing amounts of debt. We are not rolling in the money, by any means, but God is faithful every step of the way. And I don't worry about it anymore. It seems like the less I worry, the more God provides. As soon as I start to get uptight about our finances, they run out.
And, I'm learning to rely on others. I think this was the original plan and design that God intended with people. We were never supposed to be independent. God wants us to be interdependent, where we rely on each other for everything - including finances.
So, if God's telling you to jump, just go! I can promise you won't ever hit the bottom, because God is great at teaching you how to fly.
